We Choose the Course

“Sometimes we have to say goodbye, when the pain's so deep we can barely cry.” I wrote this in a song recently. Today I felt the overwhelming weight again. It’s a human burden that we all must carry, and some seasons are heavier than others. Grief. It always makes life feel fragile and short. The pain and ache that never fully goes away. The sting that lingers like a stubborn wound.

It’s enough to overwhelm a heart when we grieve the loss of someone whose journey ended here. Old or young, it hurts and it hurts so bad.

Grief extends beyond the obvious.

We must acknowledge the excruciating reality of grieving the loss of someone who is still alive. The questions, the second-and beyond-guessing, and the regrets can add to the burden of grieving that relationship. Grief isn’t limited to relationships either, we can grieve in our hearts over dreams that aren’t coming true, seasons we wished weren’t ending so soon, investments in people, projects and plans that never seem to bear fruit. We can grieve because of our sin, in our suffering and through disappointment.

I know there is therapy, psychology and neuroscience all with tips and tricks and permissions to hand us as we navigate and try to process. These can be so good, helpful, even assist in the healing process.

But today I felt the Lord invite us into a different place with our grief. This isn’t about self-help, because if a grieving heart is really honest, it can’t help its self. If we could just believe harder, feel deeper, let go better, and that somehow takes away the pain, then we would do it. I need to get really raw here:

Grief doesn’t care about the latest “do something else” or “something more” because real grief can’t.

Grief numbs one minute and almost breaks under crushing feelings the next. Some days it feels like we’re moving forward finally, and some days it feels like we went back to day one. Some days the ache is less achy, others it just sits and shakes to the core. These are excruciating realities and for the days grief just can’t, that helplessness has to have somewhere to go.

There has to be a place where we can take all the raw, all the pain, the thoughts and the questions. Somewhere beyond the temporary relief of a substance, a place, a person or a pet. Someplace safe to unravel the mess, lay down the heavy for just a moment of a little less. There is.

It’s not somewhere, it’s Someone.

He is despised and rejected by men, A Man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. And we hid, as it were, our faces from Him; He was despised, and we did not esteem Him. Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; Yet we esteemed Him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted. But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement for our peace was upon Him, and by His stripes we are healed. [Isaiah 53:3-5]

Grief doesn’t always like this, because though our minds tell us we need Him, our hearts can feel angry or betrayed because He let it happen, or didn’t. He didn’t come like we thought or He didn’t come at all. He didn’t return what was lost or stolen, but allowed it to be taken. We believed for a miracle, we did our part, but where was He?

He was right there. The Hebrew word for “acquainted” is "yada", and it is so familiar to me. I used to write it on my arm, “Raphah Yada Elohim” -Be Still and know that I AM God…[Psalm 46:10a]. Acquainted means to know. Not just know about.

He literally knows grief.

He was there in the breaking, the shaking, the sorrow and the shame. He wasn’t standing by watching, he was there lifting up, tending to wounds like a medic, comforting our hearts better than any friend, holding us closer than a mother or father. He is near (proximity) and He saves (active). He is never passive, never apathetic.

When the righteous cry for help, the LORD hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the LORD delivers him out of them all. [Psalm 34:17-19 ESV]

Maybe that doesn’t feel like enough on the helpless days. He was there, but what about right here, what will He do if we lay it all out for Him? All of it, every ugly, messy, unbearable piece of this grief? He’ll heal it. “…By His stripes we are healed”. We ARE healed, not will be, not eventually be, but are. Healing means to cure, repair, thoroughly make whole. And if you’re wondering about the feelings like I have, let me assure you, feelings follow. They will follow grief to consumption, or they will follow healing to restoration.

We choose the course.

I have never been so acquainted with grief in my life as I have the past two years. I have experienced loss before, but never grief like this. The multi-faceted burdens of grief in this season have given me a renewed appreciation for the mercies of God, because I remember “His mercies…are new every morning, great is His faithfulness” (Lamentations 3:21-23). I am not ashamed to admit that I have come to Him and unraveled many times. It’s not because it’s “ineffective” the first time, but rather, each loss needs Him. Each part of each loss needs Him.

The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon Me, because the LORD has anointed Me to preach good tidings to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; to proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn, to console those who mourn in Zion, to give them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they may be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified." And they shall rebuild the old ruins, they shall raise up the former desolations, and they shall repair the ruined cities, the desolations of many generations. [Isa 61:1-4 NKJV]

There’s just no where else to find a love like His.

I may not know your grief, but I know the One who does, and He is the only One who will hold you together while He’s putting all of your broken pieces back together. I hope you remember it’s okay to not be okay today. It’s okay to unravel before Him again. It’s okay to just rest against Him and let Him heal you. He’s the only one who can. I know, because I’m doing the same thing today.

I’ve been setting course for restoration, waiting for my feelings to follow, too.